I was unsure where to write...though i need to.

There are so many places on the internet to put ones thoughts, but nowhere i felt comfortable with mine. I remembered i have very empty pages here on dART and on SG...so i figured, why not?

I am in love. Not just a crush, or like..teenager puppy love or anything, but TRUE, warm, perfect love. I am also in the worst, most agonizing, harshest pain i have ever experienced in my life. The girl, whom i love, and I have shared some very wonderful moments, and a copious amount of sweet words for each other. The complicated part of the whole situation is that said girl has been dating a good friend of mine for the past two years. Last summer he decided that it would be a good idea to break up with girl in order to reforge a relationship with an ex of his that he decided he still wanted to be with. At this time girl and I discovered our love for each other. We spent quite sometime getting to know each other. We went out, we talked, we had some drinks together, it was amazing! Boy sees us enjoying ourselves and freaks out, asks her back with promise of marriage, she says yes. No matter what feelings have developed between her and I she made it very clear that she is still in love with him and was prepared to spend the rest of her life with him. So i sit back a bit, they get back together, but the feelings between her and I do no fade, at all, for either of us. In fact they seem to get stronger. So we have this secret relationship together...nothing deceitful mind you, there was never any cheating going on or anything. And each day that passes i feel closer and closer to her...i realize that i have fallen head over heals for her. She confesses the same.
This continues for the rest of last year and into this one...over the past couple of months their relationship begins to deteriorate again. She and I are doing better than ever, we have lunch one a week together, we see each other on the weekends, its nice. She tells me that she isnt happy with him, that he seems distant, that he isnt living up to his promises. The hard part about this for them is that they live together, he doesnt work, she pays for everything for him, and he owes her money for doing such. If they are to separate he will be left with no money or place to live or anything, as well as join ownership of a lot of the things in their apartment. She says that she cant do that to him even is they arent doing well.
This brings me to last weekend, my birthday. At my party she and I are very close, he leaves for a short while to bring a friend home, she pulls me aside and tells me that she got me a gift but it hadn't arrived yet, i nod, smile and say "it's ok". She says "i wanted to give you something else too." and leans in and gives me the most passionate kiss i think i have ever received. Moments later she tells me that she wants to be with me...i have never felt such elation. The next day i am at home, i read his livejournal and find out that i a seemingly complete reversal he has asked her to marry him..and she has said "yes". I was utterly crushed, devastated, empty. i met with her the next day in town for coffee, she confirms what he wrote. At this point i hadnt eaten in over a day, i kept vomiting anything i ate up i was so sick to my stomach from stress and heartache. I tell her that i think she has made the biggest mistake of her life...and that she should reconsider. I tell her that we are to be the "greatest thing that never was". I ask her more questions and make a few more statements...she cries, i nearly do as well. I turn and leave her there. This was four days ago...since that time he has tried to talk to me in what i suppose is his way...he is the most passive aggressive person i have ever met, it makes me so angry. He tries to talk to me about gaming and other things he and i enjoy together, trying to veil this all in an illusion that nothing has changed, that there is nothing wrong with my feelings.

These past five days have been a blur. I havent eaten, i havent slept, i have been smoking a LOT in place of food...the occasions where i have been able to keep food down long enough for my body to glean some nutrition from it have been very rare. I feel so lost...i have NO idea what to do. I dont want to move on, i dont want to love anyone else. i just want her...i was going to ask her to marry me as soon as the two of them were finished and figured out where each was going. I was going to ask her to be my WIFE...i have NEVER, EVER, been to that point with any girl ever before..i have never even considered asking another girl that question. I have never been this in love before.

So.


now what?

all my friends who know about whats going on have been great, im not going to lie...but it just seems futile...their efforts are heard, but they dont really do much.

My friends who dont know whats going on are asking an endless stream of questions and "are you ok?"s and FUCKING CHRIST does that bother the hell out of me.

Ive tried so much over the past five years to remove myself from the whole goth scene, and the "goth boy" image...and now i feel myself slipping back, simply because i have nothing else to fall back on.

I dont know what to do. I simply needed to write this all down. bah.

-= K =-